i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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