when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Everyone says I win the strip club
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize