I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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