You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
