Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
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