Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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