our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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