I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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