OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
