He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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