The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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