my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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