I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
