remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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