God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
