first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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