Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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