can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Randomize
