I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
