I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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