my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
