looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
