ugly people sure do ruin things
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
