HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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