so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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