my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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