I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
