dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
