hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize