i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
