hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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