I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
