drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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