I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
