God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
