Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
