i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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