She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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