Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
