Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
