I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
