i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
