my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize