if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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