this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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