i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize