She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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