a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
