I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
