alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
