my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
