My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
