I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
