The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The power of my boobs compel you
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
