There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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