I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
