I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
