booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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