You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
