Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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