"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
