not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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