Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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