chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
